Brandy Ink

ORIGINAL ART {Giveaway}

Last week was Grady's birthday and for his gift I bought him a Kal Barteski original. We came across this painting on her blog one night and Grady totally fell in love with it, and I was already in love with it, so from then on, I knew we had to own it. It's called Joy. And tell me it's not beautiful...

This particular painting was one that held a special place in my heart because of what it said. It's a perfect reminder for me, and my girls, of how Grady swooped in and took the cloud from our hearts, and brought us Joy. Thank you Grady for turning our sorrow around. We so love you.

Anyway.... who's Kal Barteski right? Well, she's an old friend of mine from college. She's amazingly talented and I keep up with her life through her blog. I mean, she's absolutely overflowing with talent. The girl never stops coming up with ideas that AMAZE me. Seriously, you gotta check her out. She blogged about us on Friday... check out Joy + Grady + Giveaway post here.

The coolest part about her blogging about us, is that she ran a giveaway over the weekend (to win a print of Joy) and received 49 comments about joy and sorrow. And wowzers, they are REALLY touching. If you have a minute, you should read the comments. I love it when random people pour their hearts out. Anyway, Kal told Grady that he was to choose a winner from the comments. Ha ha, poor Grady... there were so many heart warming, tear jerking, comments, it was almost impossible to choose! He asked me which one I would choose, and I said I wouldn't tell him until he chose... but I told him there was one imparticular that gave me goosebumps. And when he finally chose his winner, Sasha (congrats Sasha!), I couldn't believe it, because that was the one that gave me goosebumps! Too cool. I love how she touched us both... this is what she said:

 "This painting has meant so very much to me through the years that I've been keeping up with your work and this blog. It's hard to put into words the feelings; they're almost contradictory. The feeling of sorrow, pain, loneliness... I can rest in that. But it's one moment. The next is filled with possibilities: joy, company, healing. And somehow, the whole thing fills me with peace. That these moments are what make up life. People leave. We have sorrow. But people come into our lives bringing joy.

To have this print hanging above my head would just be reminder that these ebbs and flows are simply life, and whether or not I'm in a moment of sorrow or joy, I STILL HAVE MY WINGS."

It's the part about the wings, that gets me every time. Love it. Soo.... Grady and I both loved Sasha's comment so much, that we decided that I should use some of her words in a painting, and use it as a giveaway! And we're not talking a print either, we're talking the original! I feel so honored to have all of Kal's readers visiting my blog (thank you Kal), that I want to welcome them with open arms wings. Please, enter the giveaway below to win this painting.

I Still Have My Wings | 12" x 12" | Collage and acrylics on canvas | Resined surface

Thank you Sasha, for the inspiration (you will automatically receive a free print).

{GIVEAWAY} Leave a comment. About what? I don't know... birds, love, wings, joy, sorrow, crows, eagles, life, death. If you want, you can just use the same comment you used on Kal's blog, or, get creative. Whatever. Just make it good because the winner will be picked by Kal (surprise, Kal!) Winner will be announced right here on Wednesday night! Good luck and thanks for visiting!

Sidenote: This giveaway is not only open to Kal's readers. I want my regular readers to enter too. Don't be shy! This is a great opportunity to win an original piece of art.

TOMORROW: Check back to see who won the LIVE OUT LOUD II giveaway. This giveaway is still open until midnight tonight.

Five Years Today.

He's been gone for five years today. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and sometimes it seems like a million years ago. I went through some old journal entries and found this (from just after he died). It sure brought back memories:

This morning when I reached for my toothbrush I looked at Chris' toothbrush that is still in our toothbrush holder. I can't seem to get rid of it. I don't want to get rid of it. His backpack is still hanging on the back of the laundry room door where he hung it after work, and his boots are still in the shoe cupboard. His nighstand is still full of dirty ear plugs from work and spare change from his pockets. His truck is parked in the driveway and inside the truck there are still empty candy bar wrappers and pictures that the kids drew for him at daycare. His clothes are still in his dresser. How am I ever going to get rid of this stuff? How am I ever going to get over the way I feel right now?

After I read this, it brought back all sorts of memories for me. I remembered that just after he died, someone came over to help me with housework and washed my bed sheets to be helpful. I was so completely devastated when I found out that they washed Chris' pillow case... because it was the only thing left that smelled like him and I had vowed never to wash it. I cried for days. And then there was the day the police officer showed up on my doorstep to see if I wanted Chris' backpack that he recovered from the auto wrecker site. It was covered in blood and the officer felt bad about that, but he thought that I probably wanted the things inside... the things Chris carried with him when he died. I didn't really care about what was inside, but I obsessively washed the backpack in the washing machine over and over to get it clean, so that I could hang it back up where it belonged, in the laundry room. It was as if it was the only piece of him that I had left.

Things got easier as time went on and I finally got rid of his toothbrush, work boots, and clothes from the closet. I even got to the point where I took my wedding rings off and put them in a box to hand down to my girls one day. And eventually, I opened myself up to love again. But, the memory of Chris will always be part of me and my kids, and if you look in my laundry room, you will still see his backpack, hanging in the closet. It's the one thing that I just can't seem to get rid of.

We miss you Chris.

The Grady Bunch

A few months ago, a friend of ours called us the The Grady Bunch. I thought it was super cute and had a nice ring to it. But then, I got thinking about the actual Brady bunch and of course "googled" it because that's how I roll.... and when I started reading the history of the story, I was surprised to find out that the father was a young widow... and then he met his lady friend and she came in and took all the kids on as her own. I so had no idea!

After I read that I was like, OMG. How perfect is it that we are called The Grady Bunch? Cause that's really how it happend for us too (except there's way LESS of us). So...

Of course this got me inspired cause that's also how I roll and I thought... we should write our own little storybook (just for ourselves - for fun) and call it The Grady Bunch. So, for Family Night a few weeks ago, we got out our pencil crayons and started by designing our book cover (pictured above). The four of us each got two squares to color. I bet you can't even tell who did what. I know, I know, my kids are rock star coloring artists. Anyway, this is the cover to our book.

Now, for another Family Night, we'll have to write the story. Fun.

The Wake up Call

"Sometimes, the worst things in life open our eyes to the good things we weren't paying attention to before."

Today was a good reminder of what I have begun to take for granted. Grady. We've been together for two and a half years now and we're engaged to be married. I love him to death, but like everyone, we have our ups and downs and it isn't always peaches and cream around here. I get crabby, he gets crabby, and we both get tired. It took a day like today to remind me how much I really do love him and how lucky I am that he's in our life. It's not that I'd forgotten that, but you know, every once in a while we need a good reality check.

Grady arrived at my shop this morning... he was suppose to be working.... when I looked over and saw him, my heart sunk. I could tell that something was wrong. He looked green. My heart started pounding and my post-traumatic stress immediately kicked in... is he having a heart attack? Was he in an accident? Did something happen to my kids? Who's dead? A million thoughts raced through my mind until he finally said, "I think I'm going to throw up" and then I knew, he must have one of those flippin' killer migraines that he gets every so often. After he emptied his stomach into my toilet, I rushed him up to the emergency room.

They rated his headache as a two out of five (one being the worst). So, pretty severe. I felt so bad for him... I actually cried as I sat there and watched him scream out in pain, clench his fists and announce that his face and hands were numb. He looked so scared. I couldn't help but worry as I watched him curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth after they shot him up with a variety of meds. He couldn't open his eyes. He was shaking. He was talking but wasn't making any sense. He didn't know where he was. It's hard for me to describe, but he was in so much pain, it was truly hard for me to even watch. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt helpless.

Because of all the pain he was in, and because this migraine felt different from all the others... I sort of panicked a bit and started thinking that maybe it was something more serious than a migraine... and then I started having these awful flashbacks of what it felt like to lose Chris. I started imagining my life without Grady. Would my girls ever recover? Would I ever recover? And OMG, I love him so much. I just couldn't take it if I lost him.

Thank goodness there was nothing wrong with him except that he had a bad migraine. Like, I mean, his vitals were fine and all that. So that's good. And I'm not glad he got a headache or anything, but, it sure did remind me of how wonderful my life is and how damn lucky I am to have him in my life. Just feeling that glimpse of pain creep up to the surface today, was enough to make me love him even more. I really can't imagine my life without him.

Thank goodness you're okay babe. I love you.

Photo by Natalie Santano

 

The Christopher Fish

Okay... so... do you know what a sturgeon is? As far as I'm concerned, it's a huge, slimy, scary looking, snake-like creature that sucks scum off the bottom of the lake. I actually don't even water-ski because I'm scared that if I fall in, a sturgeon will suddenly surface and eat my entire body in one bite. I'm dead serious. I'm really scared of them. Did you know that they can live for up to 100 years (which creeps me out in itself) and can grow to the length of a canoe which doesn't exactly ease my mind either...

BUT...

The local population of white sturgeon is not reproducing naturally in the wild and is endangered in both Canada and the United States. And I mean, ya okay, I hate these things, but really that's not good. I get it. I know these ugly creatures play a significant role for us... plus, they are the biggest fresh-water fish in all of North America. Wowzers!

For the past 10 months or so, hatcheries have been raising juvenile sturgeon and they are now ready to be released around our area. Yesterday, my daughters had the pleasure of being part of the release with their school. Nice!

My favorite part about this whole thing is that Kienna came home telling me that she got to release a sturgeon and she named it Christopher (after her late Daddy). She went on to say that fishing was her daddy's favorite thing to do (even though he wasn't much for releasing them, ha) and that the entire morning she was thinking of him... she also said that her sturgeon sort of looked like him. Awwh. So sweet.

I just love that there is a baby sturgeon out there, swimming down the Kootenay River, with Chris' name. He'd love that. I'm so happy that the kids can take moments like these to remember their daddy.

Oh! And I almost forgot... Kienna told me that somehow her sturgeon has a number on it, some sort of tracking device....and in a couple of months, we'll be able to log on to the computer, punch in the number and keep track of where her daddy is headed! How cool is that?

Good-bye Christopher!

Photos submitted by a friend.

Sometimes.

Just last week, Keiryn, Kienna, Grady and I were in our living room, talking about the wedding. The girls wanted to know when we were getting married... and where... and what color would their dresses be... and would they serve hamburgers at the reception....

Suddenly Keiryn piped up and said, "Grady, I'm sooooo HAPPY that you are going to marry my mom, but," with one hand on her hip and the other hand pointing a finger at him, she said, "You have to promise us that you will NEVER buy a motorcycle or EVER ride on one."

Grady quietly said, with a sweet soft smile, "I promise."  And I felt relieved, because he said exactly what he was suppose to. Thank you Grady for hating motorcycles.

It's like life is rolling along perfectly, and everything seems just fine. The girls love Grady now, and they want him to be their new dad. And, they're ready for it too. But... just when things are rolling along fine.... something always seems to happen, to drudge up that darn trauma.

Grady went to hockey tonight, but before he left, he went with Kienna to the movie store to get us a movie to watch while he was gone. I was excited to watch the movie with the girls. And they were excited too, to have a girls' night. We cuddled up in bed, me in the middle, and watched Hey Hey It's Esther Blueburger.

It's about a little girl that doesn't fit in. But, where it got messy was when the little girl's best friend, loses her mother in a motorcycle accident. At that point in the movie, my girls both started crying in unison. It was like a little children's choir of tears. God, I felt so helpless. It was actually... heart-wrenching. Just imagine what they went through at 3 and 5 years old. God that was the worst time of my life.

When the movie ended, we went and brushed their teeth and then I tucked their sobbing selves into bed. Kienna with foo-foo and Keiryn with sparkles. Kienna was blowing her nose endlessly and Keiryn had a headache from crying so hard (and we couldn't find her new stuffy Willemena). So, that made her cry even more. I felt like crying myself, but I didn't want to add fuel to the fire, so I just rubbed their backs and told them how proud of them I was. I told them how it's brave to remember their dad. And it's brave to cry. Because that's how we get rid of hurt. And they are doing exactly what they are suppose to do. I mean, what else do you say to a sobbing seven and nine year old who miss their daddy?

After I came downstairs, I remembered how much it hurt to lose Chris. I remembered how much it hurt my girls, to lose their dad. I know I can't feel bad about it forever, and like I said, I am happy with my life. But, every once in a while, there's a little hiccup in the road. Just a little reminder of how much it hurt. And also a reminder that the pain will never totally go away. But for the most part these days, we carry on our lives like nothing ever happened. We've found peace with it. We don't let it control us.

And I'm pretty sure that's the way it should be. Happiness, with a few hiccups along the way. And as long as Grady doesn't buy a motorcycle, we're in pretty good shape around here.

Click here to listen to the song from the movie... my kids cried their heads off while it was playing. It's called Sometimes. The lyrics are perfect.

He said YES!

For those of you who haven't heard... I'm engaged! Yay! I proposed to Grady last Friday night and it was probably one of the most memorable moments of my life. It took a lot of planning to make the night just perfect, but in the end I couldn't have imagined it to be any better. It was absolutely amazing.

My friend Amber hosted a Christmas party... or at least that's what we told poor Grady, hee hee. I've been lying for weeks about the party! As far as he was concerned, it was a Christmas party and everyone was bringing their instruments to "Jam" but really the whole thing was a cover, because I was going to sing a song called "Marry Me" to Grady, infront of everyone. We had to call it a "Jam" party so that Grady didn't get suspicious about me showing up with my guitar and microphone!

Amber wanted to decorate for the party using my zebra fetish because this was our engagment party... and we all know how much I love zebra print, but again, we had to concoct a big lie so that Grady wouldn't wonder why she was stealing my zebra fetish. Afterall, I pretty much OWN zebra print now :) Thanks Amber (and Beth) for making the decorations extra special. I looooved them!

When we arrived at the party, I thought for sure Grady would wonder why it was all OUR friends there and not Amber's (since it was suppose to be her party) but thank god he's a typical male and again was totally oblivious! I just gave him a lame story about how Amber was trying to steal all my friends and he fell for it. Ha.

At 8:30, everyone headed outside to the back deck (which is where the proposal took place) and Grady still had no idea, but EVERYONE else did! I made up a story about how Amber was making me start off the "Jam Night" by being the first singer of the night...

I sang the first song to try and warm my voice up and get rid of some nerves (which in the end didn't help a bit). Once the first song was over, I then called Grady up to sit beside me and I told him I had been working on a song that I wanted to dedicate to him. He still had no idea what was going on, hee hee.

Look at his face in the picture below... he kept looking out to the crowd to see if he could figure out what the heck was going on!

Rick and Jan and Darren (thank you guys) accompanied me on guitar and harmonica for the song ("Marry Me") and it wasn't until I was about half way through the song that Grady had any clue what was going on. He told me afterwards that it didn't hit him until the girls joined me with their Marry Me signs.... awwhh.... (I think that was my favorite part)...

Aren't they cute? Look at Keiryn's face (left)... she's so in love with Grady! At this point I changed the lyrics and started to sing "Marry Us" meaning "me and the girls" because we're a package deal!

After the song was over... we walked over to Grady and I asked, "Who loves Grady?" and the girls and I all yelled in unison "MMMMMEEEEEEEEE!"

 

....and then Keiryn presented him with the ring 

...and then Kienna asked him if he would Marry Us...

 

 And he said YES!!

 

I put the ring on his finger and then he stood up and hugged me soooooo tight that I can actually remember it hurting my boobs. Ouch. But it was a really, really good hug.

....and he wouldn't let go... but mostly I think it's because he was crying like a baby and he didn't want anyone to see :)

This picture is when he was saying, "Is this for real? Am I dreaming?" 

"No Grady. You're not dreaming.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"

When the shock wore off, he then went on to say that we're all a bunch of liars! Ha ha. He's right, we are. I told so many lies in the last two weeks that I thought he might not want to marry me once he found out how good of a liar I am! It was all in good fun though. I wanted so badly to surprise him and knock his socks off, and I think I did just that.

It was the most magical evening of my life. We are so fortunate to have so many wonderful friends and family that could share in this with us. I will never forget it. Thank you everyone for making it so special! Big thanks to Amber, Darren, Beth, Rick and Jan. I couldn't have pulled it off without you. And thank you to everyone who shared in it with us.

I LOVE YOU GRADY!

Photos by Natalie Santano - Thank you Natalie!